The Onion: Kim Jong-Un's Wife on Nuclear Threats
PYONGYANG—Ri Sol-ju, wife of North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un, opened up
to reporters Thursday about her husband’s warmongering, saying that the
Dear Leader’s recent bluster was totally uncharacteristic of the man she
was forced to marry three years ago. “Since being ordered by my
government to spend the rest of my life with this man, I’ve gotten to
know him very well, and I can tell you that the Jong-un threatening
nuclear war is not the same Jong-un who plucked me out of a parade and
demanded I cut ties with my family,” said Ri, adding that she still
believes the controlling despot who erased her identity and forbade her
from leaving the residential villa is in there somewhere. “The man you
see promising missile strikes on U.S. targets is not the person I was
forced to fall in love with. And he’s certainly not the same father to
the child I was forced to have with him. It’s upsetting to admit, but
when I’m told to sit across from Jong-un at the breakfast table, I don’t
even know who I’m looking at anymore.” When reached for further
comment, North Korean officials said that Ri would be unavailable for
the foreseeable future.
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